Nothing Untoward
by epoustouflant
Summary: The Doctor babysits young River while the Ponds are away, but what should be a peaceful weekend is interrupted by the Master, adult River and three angry Sontarans.


The Pondmobile was already packed when the Doctor arrived – for once the TARDIS had materialised at the correct time. After a brief argument with himself he had forgone the fez, worried about River's reaction to it. He was wearing his least eccentric suit and had even tried to tame his hair. The Doctor who approached the Pond household looked very much like a responsible adult.

Rory accosted him without a greeting. "You'll look after her, won't you, Doctor?"

"Of course I will! River and I get along like a house on fire!"

"Dangerous for anyone nearby?" Amy grinned at the Doctor as she beckoned him inside. Rory followed behind them, nervously watching the Doctor.

The house had hardly changed since the last time he'd been there, when he'd reset the entire universe and created an alternate timeline where Amy could raise her daughter without Madam Kovarian's intervention. He had also managed to leave everyone's memories entirely intact with a little help from his newly invented Deus Ex Machine, which he had installed in the TARDIS the moment he'd tested it. Having completed that project he was now working on an Exposition Device. It was still fairly crude as he had dropped everything the moment he got the call from Amy asking him to babysit, but he had brought it with him just in case.

River was sat in the living room, staring at the telly. The Doctor recognised a few characters. "Met Spongebob once, lovely house. Great planet, that one, bit too much sand but you can't have everything. Hello, River, how are you?"

She turned round and frowned at him.

Rory glanced at Amy. "Do you really think this is a good-"

"She'll be fine," the Doctor reassured him. "Go to Cornwall! Enjoy yourself, though not as much as you would if you listened to me and went to the fabulous beaches of-"

"_No,_" Amy said firmly. "We are having a proper holiday with proper beaches. And rain."

"If it's rain you want, I know a very good planet in the-"

"Goodbye, Doctor."

The Doctor opened his mouth to object but saw Amy's expression and closed it again. It was the expression she always got before she started talking about the honeymoon he had organised. He had made the point before that one velociraptor was very similar to no velociraptors and was much better than, say, forty velociraptors. His arguments fell on determinedly deaf ears.

"Have fun," he said. Amy hopped into the car eagerly and Rory clambered in on the driver's side. The Doctor raised a hand in farewell and within moments the car had disappeared around the corner.

He remembered that there was a young child in the house and hurried back inside to check how she was doing. There was no way he would give Rory or Amy any reason to doubt him. River was going to have the best two days of her life.

She was still watching Spongebob. The Doctor paused just outside the living room, unsure whether she knew he was there or not.

There was a hand on his butt.

He paused and thought about it to make sure he wasn't hallucinating. No, he was sure. There was definitely a hand on his butt. He felt a stab of panic; what if an adult River had somehow traced him here, not realising it was her childhood home? Things could get very complicated very quickly.

"Hello, sexy," said a smooth voice in his ear. It sounded familiar but somehow the Doctor couldn't quite place it. However, his first worry was assuaged; the voice definitely belonged to a man.

The Doctor turned round to see who thought it was a good idea to enter the house and put his hand on the Doctor's butt. He didn't see anything but a patch of dark hair before he was pushed against the wall and passionately kissed by the-

"Master!" The Doctor squeaked in shock and pushed the fellow Time Lord away.

"Ooh, I love it when you're forceful." The Master's voice practically purred, and it was easy to tell why the Doctor hadn't immediately recognised the voice. There was some different quality in it, a charm and warmth that the Doctor had never heard before – at least, not since their shared youth on Gallifrey.

"But- what-" The Doctor tried to form his thoughts into a coherent sentence. "What are you _doing?_"

The Master frowned at him in confusion. "I tracked you here with my Convinient Tracking Device." He waved a pointy thing in front of the Doctor's face. "Just like we've always done. Is this an inconvenient time? Should I have called ahead? I didn't think you would be vanquishing many aliens right now."

The Doctor stared at him. "So this is a regular thing? That we do?"

"Of course." The Master was beginning to look worried.

"Right. Yes, of course. Er… since when?"

Now the Master looked seriously concerned. "Officially, since the Academy Ball. Remember? I gave you the garland, and you gave me…"

"… the bracelet." The Doctor remembered the Academy Ball, but not as the Master was describing it. As was traditional, he had planned on giving the Master a gift made by his own hand as an invitation to go to the ball with him. If the Master had returned the gift, it would have meant that he accepted and they would have been a formal pair for the extravagant annual event.

And yet somehow, impossibly, the Doctor had lost the bracelet en route to the Master. The young Koschei had presented the garland to the Doctor, carefully hiding his nerves. The Doctor had taken it, hearts pounding, and reached for the bracelet.

He'd lost it. Koschei didn't believe him when he said he'd simply mislaid it, and a close friendship had transformed into a long-lasting and bitter rivalry.

The Doctor frowned. He had been certain the only thing the Deus Ex Machine changed would be River's childhood. If the Doctor hadn't lost the bracelet in this timeline, River's childhood must have somehow had a direct impact on the gift.

"Doctor?" The Master reached for his hand. As he moved the sleeve of his jacket fell back a little, allowing the Doctor to see the plain band around his wrist. Save changes that were needed to compensate for growth, it was identical to the one the Doctor had lost all those years ago. "Is something wrong?"

The Doctor had no idea what Madam Kovarian had made young River do in the previous timeline. In fact, as part of River's training it would have been entirely possible for Kovarian to instruct the girl to steal the bracelet, thus causing the young, naïve Doctor untold misery-

"Oh, this is getting ridiculous." The Doctor reached into his pocket and pulled out a small purple object. It was flashing brightly, and a brightly coloured pink lever pointed to 'heavy-handed'. Two other settings read 'middling' and 'light'. The Doctor made a face at it and switched it off. "Exposition device. Allowing me to reveal a large amount of backstory and leap to entirely correct conclusions in the space of a few seconds."

"Right." The Master didn't look quite convinced. "That's what was bugging you?"

The Doctor hesitated, but somehow he doubted even the new and improved Master would believe that he came from an alternate timeline in which the toddler in the living room had stopped them from being space boyfriends and instead made them bitter arch-nemeses by stealing an engraved trinket. Instead he said, "Actually, bit of an awkward moment, I'm babysitting."

It was then that the Master noticed River, who had conveniently chosen this moment to waddle towards the two in the hallway. She looked up at both of them, curiosity written all over her face in big blatant crayon.

"Oh," said the Master. "Hello."

She cocked her head to the side as she looked up at him. Then, very carefully, as if testing out a precious new toy, she said:

"_Sexy."_

After some rummaging the Doctor managed to find some lego in River's room. He also found a Cluedo set, but he wasn't sure he was ready to face a murder mystery with his arch enemy and his future wife.

When he returned downstairs the Master was lecturing River. "You see, whoever controls the means of production controls the populace. Everyone acknowledges that elected governments are necessary for a free country, but the one who holds sway over the peasants is the one who provides food and other goods. People choose survival, security and worth over ideals all the time, and all you need to do is steer that choice to your advantage. The traditional way of doing this is to-"

"I got the lego," the Doctor said loudly, thinking maybe it would have been safer to let the Master loose upstairs than to leave him alone with River. She seemed to be enjoying the lesson, but the Doctor didn't want to take her from Madam Kovarian only to have her indoctrinated by the Master instead.

He set the box down in the middle of the table and went to get some biscuits from the kitchen. By the time he'd emptied a packet onto his plate and come back to the table, River had grabbed all the green mats that were meant to be used as a base for creations, as well as all the trees and figurines.

"Means of production," she said with satisfaction.

The Doctor glared at the Master, who was smiling proudly. "That's very good, River. Now, give me one of those and together we will overpower our tyrannical overlord."

River firmly shook her head.

The Master pouted – now _there _was an expression the Doctor recognised – but didn't give up. Before the Doctor could stop him, the Master stole the plate of biscuits and held it high above his head. "I'll share these with you if you give me half your bases, two trees and five figurines."

River thought about it for a moment, then handed over the goods. The Master put the biscuits down, far out of the Doctor's reach. "Sexy," River said happily.

The Doctor thought for a second, then grabbed the box of pieces. "Neither of you are getting this until you put the biscuits in the middle of the table. And share the green mats as well!"

The Master leapt at the Doctor, who was completely unprepared for the assult. He jerked the box up at the last minute as the Master crashed into him. Lego bits went everywhere. River giggled. The Master shouted in surprise as he fell heavily on top of the Doctor, and for his part the Doctor yelped. He scrabbled frantically behind his back and found a handful of lego pieces. He threw them blindly at his assailant and was rewarded with an angry "oi!" and a lessening of the pressure on his chest as the Master sprung back and grabbed his own handful of lego.

The Doctor dived for cover but it wasn't enough. The Master pelted him with plastic bits. Later the Doctor would be impressed and surprised by the Master's avoidance of his eyes, but as it was he was too busy to notice. He dived desperately for the sofa but the Master grabbed his ankle and regained his previous position sat on the Doctor's chest.

There were still lego bits in the Master's hands, but he dropped them. The Doctor watched warily. His every instinct was screaming at him to run, but River was watching and he didn't want to make a scene that she might later tell her parents about. He braced himself for whatever might come next, distrustful of this strange Master who he did not know.

"I could get used to this," the Master said with a smile. He leant down and kissed the Doctor softly on the lips, a soft kiss that deepened as the Master's hand trailed down the Doctor's chest.

"Baby!" The Doctor said, flustered. "Baby watching baby watching human baby _watching!_"

The Master laughed, but he seemed almost contrite as he shuffled off the Doctor and started clearing the lego up. The Doctor sat up and glanced at River. She was smiling hugely behind a plastic fort that almost dwarfed her. As he looked closer he noticed the small touches she had added, like the buckets filled with biscuit crumbs which the defenders could rain down on attackers.

"That's… very nice," he said slowly. His mind was still whirling from the kiss. Of course, they had kissed like that before, but it had been centuries. Centuries of enmity and bitter feuding.

Maybe this alternate universe Master wasn't so bad.

There was a crash upstairs. The two Time Lords looked at each other.

"I'll go check." All things taken into account, the Doctor thought it was probably best to leave the Master with River. Left unattended she might start building an empire.

He stood, brushing off bits of lego that still stuck to him, then checked he had his screwdriver and psychic paper on hand. He muffled the screwdriver's sound with his hand as he waved it in the direction of the crash. All the screwdriver could tell him was that there was something alive up there. It seemed to be getting interference from somewhere.

The screwdriver did manage to show him where the intruder was. The Doctor hadn't been in Amy and Rory's room before, and the door was closed.

He braced himself and reached for the handle. The door flew open and whacked him in the face.

"Ow! Ow!" He waved his screwdriver as he held a hand to his throbbing nose, trying to look threatenging. "Whoever you are, you should know that if you harm anyone in this house you will face the man the Daleks call the Oncoming Storm, the man who was there at the end of the universe, the man who once defeated an entire forest of the deadliest aliens in existence-"

"Oh, honey, I was _there. _It wasn't half as dramatic as you make it out to be."

The Doctor removed his hand from his nose and looked at the intruder for the first time. "_River?_"

She smiled flirtatiously. "Hello, sweetie."

The Doctor glanced down at the floor, then back to the River he could see, then back down, then up again. "I- but- you-"

"Long time, no see. I know. Is anyone else home?"

"Um, yes." The Doctor wasn't ready to elaborate on that so he changed topic. "You're right, I haven't seen you since we used the Deus Ex Machine."

"Same here. Wonderful!"

The Doctor studied her, trying to see if anything had changed. She had been there when they had used the machine, so she _should _have a full understanding of events, but it was her childhood that had changed. "How have you been?"

"Oh, so-so." She examined a painting on the wall. The Doctor vaguely remembered an older River giving it to her parents a while ago. "I remember two childhoods. Dad's two thousand years old and I'm a Time Lord so it's not much of a strain, but it is… interesting."

The Doctor wondered what interesting meant. Before he could ask she started to clatter down the stairs. He followed, protesting despite knowing she'd ignore him. "River, we're in a very precarious situation here, your younger self is in the living room and you're not exactly simple in terms of temporal navigation, I have no idea what the effect of meeting your own future part alternate universe self will have on you-"

It was no good. She stepped into the living room with a massive grin, waving at the two occupants. "Oooh, your boyfriend's here! Hello, sexy!"

The Master waved back. "River. You're aging well."

"And you're looking very distinguished." River sat on the sofa, taking a biscuit.

The Doctor looked between the two of them, trying to work out which question to ask first. "What are you doing here?"

"Lovely to know I'm welcome. I got in a smidgen of bother with some Sontarans, nothing big." There was another crash upstairs, this one much louder. "That'll be them."

"You had an argument with _Sontarans _and then brought them to your childhood home where your younger self is living?"

River nodded. "Yes, that sums it up quite nicely. Although I didn't bring them. They followed the trail my teleporter left."

There was a sound like thunder waking up as the Sontarans ran down the stairs. The Master grabbed toddler-River and pulled her behind the sofa, then positioned himself so that he was between her and the hallway. The Doctor wished he could take a photograph of the moment but three Sontarans had just burst into the room and he sensed this was no time for family snaps.

The lead Sontaran strode forward. "Greetings, unidentified humanoid. We are looking for River Song. Surrender now and we will be merciful."

"Well, er, problem with that…" The Doctor backed away. Adult-River was just behind him. All three Sontarans' eyes followed her. "What did you _do?_" he hissed at her.

"I said their uniforms didn't go with their skin tone. Really, have you seen armour like that in the last hundred years?"

"Yes! Often when Sontarans were trying to kill me!"

River shrugged. "It's going out of fashion. Lightweight is the new bulky."

A Sontaran fired at the Doctor and he jumped to the side. A quick buzz of the sonic screwdriver temporarily disabled their weapons, but that wouldn't help for long. Soon the Sontarans would attack. The leader pulled out a spare gun and levelled it at the Doctor. "Step aside!" He barely waited before shooting again. The Doctor yelped and dived behind the kitchen counter. River followed suit.

"I'm sure we can sort all this out!" He called over the counter. "I think we have another packet of biscuits somewhere!"

The lead Sontaran marched towards the Doctor. The Doctor scrambled backwards. He frantically patted his pockets for something, anything-

The Exposition Device.

He fumbled with it, flicking it on then whamming the setting to _crude. _It still wouldn't be enough so he pulled out the sonic screwdriver and used it to amplify the device's power far beyond what it would normally be.

The Sontaran paused. His name was Strarg. He was thinking of his father – the Sontaran who had provided the genetic material which was replicated to create Strarg. Strarg's relationship with his father had been complex. He had idolised the man and his brutal ways, and it occurred to Strarg that perhaps this was the reason for his own violence. If only he had been able to tell his father that he respected him (love was not an emotion with much value in Sontaran culture) then maybe he wouldn't be here, stood before two Time Lords, preparing to kill them. Perhaps there was a chance for redemption-

The Master leapt up and whacked him in the back of the neck. He toppled to the floor.

His companions were shocked at this development. It reminded Strin of the days he had spent on his home planet. "Our commanding officer has died, Steef," he said to the Sontaran on his left, whose name was Steef.

Steef nodded. "As you already know, Strin, the chain of command now ends with me."

"That is true." Strin remembered this information from his training. All Sontarans were trained from a very early age. Strin was about to tell Steef all about their childhood, despite the fact that the two already knew everything there was to know about Sontaran childhoods. However, before he could start the Master punched both him and Steef in the back of the neck. They went down like dominoes, except heavier and less rectangular.

"River," the Doctor said slowly as he switched off the Exposition Device, "next time you plan on bringing guests, it would be nice if you warned me."

"Oh, you and your rules." River fiddled with each Sontaran's teleporter to send them somewhere they could wake up without discovery. With the Sontarans gone it was difficult to tell they had ever been there, but the Doctor worried for the state of Amy and Rory's bedroom.

"Master, could you look after River? I'm going to check upstairs so your parents don't lynch me when they get back. River?"

"I'll help tidy."

As expected, the room was a tip. One Sontaran appeared to have landed on the bed and another one had knocked over the wardrobe. Together they managed to right the toppled wardrobe. Then they started clearing the room up.

They worked in silence for a few minutes until the Doctor managed to dredge up the courage to ask a question that had been bugging him. "River?"

"Yes, honey?"

"Are you… are you married?"

She smiled. "Of course I am. Cleopatra's fine, by the way. She's such a darling. For our fourth anniversary she got me a tiger. Can you believe? An actual tiger."

She managed to keep a straight face for a full five seconds in defiance at the Doctor's stricken look. Then she collapsed into giggles.

"Oh, sweetie. Yes, I'm still married to you in this universe."

"Right. Yes. Right." The Doctor nodded vigorously, then paused. "So… the Master…"

"You two have been space boyfriends forever. He comes up with these totally unoriginal evil plans and you somehow fail to stop him until the last minute and it tends to get pretty kinky towards the end. And in between that you meet up places and stop squabbling and act like proper boyfriends."

The Doctor nodded thoughtfully, taking this all in. "And you are… okay with that?"

"Please, I run the most popular shipping blog there is."

"So everything is exactly like before, except… I'm apparently romantically involved with two people."

"Such a quick learner."

The Doctor rubbed his forehead but didn't object. After that they worked in silence, doing their best to hide any trace of Sontaran presence. By the time they had finished it was young River's bedtime. The Master left soon after, muttering something about Silurians and diplomatic problems, and River teleported back to Stormcage after the Doctor insisted he'd be in trouble if Amy and Rory returned to discover her there. There wasn't a bunk bed in River's room (yet; the Doctor had Plans) but he set up a camp bed and slept well enough.

The next morning the most eventful thing that happened was River dropping her spoon at breakfast. Amy and Rory arrived home at twelve, both grumbling about British weather and rain. The Doctor stayed to help them unpack, doing his best to avoid awkward questions.

"So," Rory said. "None of your alien shenanigans happened?"

The Doctor hesitated, then shook his head. "Nope. Nothing untoward."


End file.
